Cure Is In You #BreakTheBias

Unaware, unhealthy, demotivated, and depressed, I wondered, “What’s the point of all this? What the hell do I do to get it all over?” A woman pulled me down. Until two alternatives, helped me out of my dilemma. It was my sister who understood me, and a text message reminded me of my best friend’s presence and support.

As a teenager, 19 years old, I was mature for my age. I presume females grow earlier than others, have to, for the sake of our families. I’ve always had big plans for my life, always dreamt of being a musician. It started with singing in the bathroom, then falling in love with the art of music, and finally joining music classes.

Everything was accomplished, I held it all together even during the times of covid. I opened my YouTube channel, using the money my mother had kept for me. It worked as it should’ve been, slow and steady. It concentrated me on improving myself, learning, and creating different, it rode me off of the thoughts of ending up as a jobless person.

But then I started worrying about money, what people think of me, what’d they like, and what should I do to gain their attention. My current growth didn’t satisfy me, according to me, I didn’t grow at all, and I’d definitely end up doing nothing with an unsuccessful dream.

Things eventually lead me to the darkness, negative thoughts, doubt, and sorrow. I’d sit in quiet, staring at things, continuously thinking of any possible bad occurring. Became weak and lost a lot of weight, and adopting bad habits, such as smoking, sleeping late, and waking up late, kind of worked like salt on my wounds. 

I told myself; I don’t have what it takes. I won’t be able to do anything, will have to depend on a man for my basic needs, without pride of my own.

Words aren’t enough to explain the sorrow and pain I felt. I was in a void full of darkness with no escape, all I saw was nothing. But no one could see it, not even my parents. In their eyes, I was just a rebellious kid.

My mother was always against me, always manipulated me in front of my father, posed me as the bad guy, and my father, he trusted her. According to them, I didn’t respect them; I wasn’t supposed to act the way I was, that I was being an ungrateful child. The typical Indian parents, don’t think mental illness is a thing.

Although my mother made me end up alone, on no talking terms with both of my parents, I had someone to make me feel loved and cared for. My sister took care of me as if she was my older sister, she’ll wake me up every morning, showing it’ll be a good day even with no use of words, she’ll express a lot from her expressions. From taking care of my small things to invading my blank piercing stare.

On the other hand, my best friend will share her love with me, reminding me of my worth, every day. From calling to texting, asking me about my day, forcing me to work, on which I already had given up. These two females gave me hope.

Hope, that I was more than enough, nobody’s point of view mattered, they taught me to think of myself before anyone, that I don’t have to make anyone happy but myself, and that’s when I lifted myself from my bed and took a deep breath, promised myself to do everything and anything for myself, and not for anyone.

I remember the beautiful quote my best friend quoted, “you don’t have to look for answers, they’re always in you, they’ve always been in you. If you think there isn’t a cure for what you feel, look inside, The Cure Is in You.”